Motto

We all have Motto that we live by. They can change as we change or they can stay constant because they keep us going to where we hope to be. The definition of motto is a short sentence or phrase chosen as encapsulating the beliefs or ideals guiding an individual, family, or institution.

I like all the different mottos because they can sort of tell you where the person is or has been within their life. I have chosen many different mottos in my path to where I am now and I have found one that has stuck with me for a few years now.

That was then, this is now.

You know we have all struggled and fallen deeper than we ever wanted to admit. We have done things that make our skin crawl and we try to tuck away. There are always going to be parts of you that will keep churning up.

That was then, this is now.

I really like this because it’s like, you know, this is the time to shine and grow. I can’t stay back there trying to fix something because it will always be back then. It will never catch up and progress forward to the now.

That was then, this is now.

We need to be present in the here and now. Remember what happened and why things need to change.

My motto tells to me to be fearless and to inspire. To push for change and never let anything hold me back. To continually grow and experience everything that I possibly can.

That was then, this is now.

That used to be me but I have changed.
What is your motto for life and how has it encouraged you and your personality?

Always,

-Jac

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First Memories

So this is actually a funny thing to talk about because I am literally writing a book that is based around memories and the thought process of how they work.

Anyhow, my first memory is actually really bizarre to me. It was sort of a out of body experience. It is really weird to explain considering that I have only ever had this sensation twice in my entire life.

My first memory is this: I was asleep and when I was a little bitty I slept under my pillows. I have a sister who is 3 years younger than me. So I had to have been 4 or around 4 at the time that this happened. So while I was asleep my mom brought the baby in to help wake me for the day. My sister climbed on top of my pillow while I was sleeping and began bouncing on my head. Of course as a small child and even now, I have no upper body strength. You can imagine the panic that set in when I couldn’t get her off and was thrashing about.

You know those scenes in movies where something happens to the person and they zoom to a specific spot revealing that they left something there or have a realization. I had that zoomy moment as I cam up for air. Like everything zoomed into me in that one moment. I realized that I was alive and that I was a person who is capable of dying.

It was just the first moment of my life where everything lined up and I had thoughts and knew that the world is a real place. Who knows, this could be why I have such a fear of dying.

Memories play such a weird role in shaping who we are.

Always,

Jac

What’s in my bag?

Let’s play the game of what’s in my bag. This should be interesting considering that I throw everything in my purse without even thinking about it. I can’t even imagine how much trash is tucked away in my purse from being on the run with the kiddo. I guess we should just jump right on it now and see what discoveries there are waiting to be found.

  • The first thing that I pull out of my bag is a writing journal. I use it whenever I have any kind of thought that I want to keep or come across something that is poetic that I’ve said and want to use in some of my writing.
  • Next, that is pulled out, is my grocery list from last week that I never took out and just tucked in when I was done checking everything off. It is completely organized by different sections like produce and dairy.
  • I pulled out an empty notebook. I saw it and bought it cause it’s a good size for my bag but I haven’t used it yet. I don’t know if it will be a specific notebook or just one that has everything and it’s brother written down in it.
  • I have a travel pack of tissues. I have crazy allergies…and a 6 year old. It’s necessary; Trust me.
  • My checkbook is next. It is pink with silver zebra stripes that are reflective and in the stripes is like a cheetah print. The way I am explaining this isn’t really doing it justice. It is super adorable. I got it from a super sweet pharmacist when I worked in the pharmacy years ago. It makes me think of her all the time and I don’t want to switch to another even though I have been using this one for years and years. Almost 5 years to be exact. It also holds my stamps which is handy.
  • EPIPEN. Uh, yeah. There are stingy things in the world and stingy things don’t react well to my body soo, i prefer no death. Epipen is very crucial to my health or insane amount of benadryl. To give you an idea. When I get stung I take about 2-3 pills every 3-5 mins until the swelling stops. You can imagine and just fyi, I prefer the high dosage verses the epipen. I’m still scared of needles.
  • Post it notes. Sometimes you just need them for reminders or even a little mischief.
  • A bouncy ball. Haha! I don’t even know! It’s purple and swirly.
  • A comb. Little dudes have to brush their hair sometimes too.
  • Hand sanitizer. I love hand gel. Like at an obsessive point. It’s the pocketbac from bath and body works, Japanese cherry blossom. I’m using it now.  Why does this stuff smell so good?
  • A little wallet. My kiddo uses it to keep his money in. He never uses his wallet. Money goes in it and comes out mine.
  • Inhaler. Again, allergies are crazy. The kiddo has a mild asthma and it really flares up in season changes. I also was diagnosed asthma and have worked extremely hard to not be on an inhaler. My breathing has gone up dramatically but it still feels like I can’t breathe when I’m running or when going up a lot of stairs. Hopefully I will be done with daily inhalers by next month and eventually the emergency one.
  •  Another pack of tissues
  • Glitter Gloss. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s glitter! Who doesn’t love glitter? Plus in a gloss form. Heck to the YES!
  • TMNT germx. Germ fighting ninjas make for a good day.
  • Another pack of post it notes
  • Classic Chapstick
  • A sparkle bag. No, it’s not covered in sparkles sadly. It just says sparkle with faded lights in the background. It holds 1.15 cents. I’m rolling in change.
  • A hair tie.Essential
  • Pack of Orbit gum with one piece in it.
  • A tube of Chap Ice.
  • A single post it note with something written on it
  • Another bath and body works pocketbac hand sanitizer in the fragrance of  beautiful day. Yes, I just used it. Yes, it smells amazing!
  • A wet wipe from BDubbs
  • 5 sheets of loose paper with bits and pieces of stories on it.
  • 7 cough drops
  • …another travel pack of tissues
  • Tummy medicines
  • Ooppps another cough drop
  • Oh hey, another inhaler
  • 2 Propel water packets. Berry flavor of course, is anything else as good?
  • A fruit roll up. Yum!
  • 11 pens
  • 2 Pencils
  • I found another hand santizer. Its vanilla sugar. (Holy crap, it smells good.)
  • A painted rock. Yes, I apparently am carrying a rock in my purse. Thanks kid.
  • A lazer pointer
  • A mint from sonic
  • Oh, hey! There is another rock in the bottom of my purse.
  • Half of an Easter egg.
  • Burts Bees Lip Balm Vanilla Bean.
  • 5 little rippy bits of trash
  • A “love” keychain
  •  4 bobby pins
  • Oh hey, guess what? A germx pen. It’s filled with cinnamin germx
  • 3 safety pins
  • An itsy teeny die
  • 2.60 in change just floating around in the bottom of my bag. It is now going into the sparkle bag.
  • A blue cheetah print bag. It’s contents contain: 3 set of headphones, another die, a pin from the Kentucky Baptist Convention, and a small Darth Vader figure
  • Two tiny little knuckle fighters for Raphael action figure.

There are so many random things. I can’t even describe half of them being in there or why they are in there. Hope you all enjoyed this tid bit of completely useless information.

Always,

Jac

Dear Love

Love,

How did we make it here? There have been hurdles and valleys just to make it this far and we finally made it. We made it to each other. I’m glad that we never gave up and we continued to search for one another. It has been a long and some parts have been so grim.

There have been so many parts of my life where I have felt the need to just give up and drop the fairy tale love story. Time and time again I have tried to narrow down what I want and what I can even learn to accept. Each time has fallen through and given me doubt.

I have had doubt that I am not the right body shape and that I need to change it to make myself more appealing even though I feel comfortable as I am. I have had doubt that I am not beautiful enough and that if I just make the commitment to wake up every day and put on make up, I would be worthy of someone to look twice at me. I have doubted my personality and that if I kept to myself that I wouldn’t make any one want to run from me because I’m “weird”. I love being weird and different but not every one does. I have doubted that my work ethic draws anyone in because I want to do things my way and not by the flow of standard life.

I have doubted all self worthiness because I haven’t found any one to stand by my side and be completely infatuated by me and me alone. To admire who I am as a woman and to crave every little thing that I have to give. To yearn for me just to be in their presence.

That was until you came along.

You have given me a new outlook on love. You have shown me that the fairy tales that I have loved and believed in for years are real because we are right here living them every second. You have reminded me that kisses on the forehead are one of the most passionate, sought after desires because you put all of you and your love behind that kiss. You have shown me that I have dreams that can be pursued and achieved because you stood there beside me, always. Even during the late night when I come apart and let all my fears sweep in and consume me, you are there fighting them away with your strong words and gentle heart.

You protect me from every thing that comes my way, refusing to let even the most vulgar words harm me.  You give me guidance when I struggle to find the correct path to get where I want to be. You give me security just by being by my side.

Your love protects me every day. It is your greatest strength and from such an amazing gift it helps me give so much more of my self.

Maybe I didn’t know you at all from the beginning, maybe I’ve known you for years. None of that matters because I have you now and I know you now more than ever and I continue to discover new parts for me to love. There are new parts that I admire every day and there are parts that I am learning to love carefully.

Thank you for loving the parts that others felt were not worthy to love. Thank you for standing beside me in all circumstances. Thank you for being you.

I love you to the stars and moon. I love you forever. I love you beyond. I love you until after.

Always,

Jac

(In case any one is wondering this is just a letter to a future significant. No there is not one now and I can probably guess that there isn’t going to be one for a little while. I know you can’t tell but I am pretty picky. I still can hope though!)

Creative Writing-Safer

“No, I said we were safer, not safe.”

The beads of sweat that had pooled on his forehead began to stream down the sides of his face and drip to his chest. His breaths are deep and steady to keep quite and we are almost in sink. Only I am having more trouble keeping mine steady and each exhale comes out shaky. The heat is sticky and makes me uncomfortable but the trees that tower above us provide enough shade from the sun.

Our backs are pressed against the coolness of this boulder, as we listen for footsteps to approach. The dampness from the icy streams soaking into our clothes is refreshing to me. I close my eyes and tilt my head back onto the rock letting the icy water absorb in my hair too. I let my head roll to the left and look down into the small river leading into a cave. The sunlight glimmers off the water as it makes waves moving down the small path, letting me see small parts of the cave wall.

I roll my head back to him and hes looking down into the cave too. His full lips come to a smile as his blue eyes move to mine. We’ve been running for a couple days now and his beard is filling out, matching his brown hair that he has kept short for as long as I’ve known him. My frame is small in comparison to him beside me. My arms are completely flat beside me and his is hand holding my wrist, making sure not to lose me if we have to take off running again. Our bodies are tired but too tense to ease into relaxation, for even a brief moment.

A slight breeze makes my blonde hair blow towards him and he reaches out to tuck it behind my ear. He shifts his eyes back to the cave, squinting them. I still hear nothing but the water dripping around us and I don’t want to move in case they are listening for us. I remember the day that James came running to me and told me to trust him and to remember when he put his hand in mine just to run and he wouldn’t let me go. He has been my best friend growing up and there hasn’t been a time that he hasn’t been there to protect me. I have no idea why these guys in the white suits are after us. He only says he has heard rumors so scary that he refuses to tell me.

James stands up, pulling me to my feet without any effort. I barely come to the top of his chest, as I tip my head back to look up to his face, questioning our next move. He puts his finger up to his lip to remind me to keep quiet and not move. He slowly moves around the rock to check for movement. He grabs my hand, leading me towards the cave, pointing down to spots that he is stepping on. I watch carefully, mimicking the best I can without much noise.

The cave is much cooler and almost instantly gives my body a chill.  It is very dim and the light that was allowing me to see the cave wall is all that is entering. I slide my back against the wall watching the shadow of the water glide past us. James sits down beside me and I can feel him staring at me. I pull my knees up to my chest and let out a small sigh.

“Are we still safer?” I spoke to my knees, making my voice smaller.

“Anna.” he leans in closer to me, putting his head on my shoulder. “Yeah, I think we’re safer in here than out there.”

I can tell he’s tired, his voice sounds tired. Not as in he needs to go to sleep but more he is exhausted from running from people for no reason. I feel like he wants to give up but he’s to scared of them so he keeps running.

We sat there listening to the birds sing lullabies to the world as the sun disappeared. The moon faintly shines down on the water letting us know it was watching over us. All that surrounded us was the crickets chirping and darkness. The water that had kept my attention most of the day also seems to have gotten quieter, like it had stopped moving. I haven’t heard James move since we laid down so I put my arm out in the darkness to feel his face. His beard is rough against my hand and I can feel him give a short lived smile before resting his face again. Just like the earth had drifted away to night, I drifted away to sleep. Slowly then Completely.

The light burned my eyes. I feel like I’m spinning and falling, I don’t exactly comprehend what is going on until I hear James grunt in pain. My eyes flash open and they have him pinned down on his stomach. He’s fighting with everything in him to get free from the men in the white suits. I gasp and jolt up as they place the brown cloth bag over his head. Before I can even get the lower half of my body up from the dirt floor, the pain echos through body.

I fall forward, drawing in a breath so deep that my lungs feel caked with mud. There are men scrambling to get me contained now. A hand presses hard down between my shoulder blades bringing my arms up behind me and i wince, unable to hold back the tears that are making trails down my cheeks. They roll my to my back, leaving me laying where I am. I still hear him fighting, trying to break free with everything in him, trying to make his way to me. I roll my head back so I can see him. All I see is them breaking him down, making him weaker by the second.

I look back up and there is one leaning down close to me. His presence sends a shock through my body and I’m shaking, I’m already losing my focus. He stares at me for what feels like an eternity, never removing his helmet. He lifts his hands up and releases a hatch. Air hisses from around his helmet and clicks free from his suit. He smells of death and my breathing becomes just as unsteady as my trembling body. My eyes follow his helmet as he sits it right beside my head. My eyes shift to his which are now right in front of my face. The hollowness drags something from inside me in them and I can feel a piece of me being lost. He laughs as his eyes glow a deep blood red. I am no longer safe and I can no longer fight. A scream that scares me races from my mouth and echoes in the cave erasing everything that I know, only leaving blackness.

I struggled with this; I wanted to make it a lot longer but with the creative writing posts that I am going to do here, I’m going to try and keep them relatively short. I had a lot more that I cut out of it and I’m sure as you read stories that I write you’ll learn that I really love details. I want to work on not having as much detail but having an interesting story as well. I’ll progress as I go along, that’s the purpose of writing. I hope that it was at least semi entertaining!

Always,

Jac

Dream Date

Can we all agree that each of us has a specific dream date that we want to go on?

Some of us want something a little more and some of us want a little less. I think for me it really depends.

I depends on the person. It depends on how long we have been together or if it is the first date. It also depends on if this is the date that could possibly bring a proposal about. It depends on if I get to plan it or if it is just that one date that I think would put the rest to shame. I have different scenarios in my head for all of these.

So just to put it out there for every one and when the time comes see if it changes for me.

So for my first date and lets pretend that it is a blind date:

I would like it to be pretty easy flowing. I would like to go get a light meal then go and walk around to talk. We could go hiking, we could walk downtown, we could do some trails. Any thing to just get us out and away from distractions. I think that would be a nice dream blind date.

For my long term dream date:

I would love for it to be sort of like an anniversary date. So something that I would have minimal details to, probably in the fall. By this point in the relationship they should already know that fall is my favorite season. So we would go to a corn maze and then a haunted house and to end the night, this person would drive out and find a dark place so that we can lay beneath the stars and cuddle in blankets. To me that is all that needs to be done. Just time spent together with small gestures that you still know what they like and still just want to be with them. That would be the best date.

My dreamposal date:

This one surprisingly I would imagine to be in the summer. I want to go out to my favorite restaurant which I never really know what it is or which one. I am so picky that I get the same thing every time from each restaurant. So eating out is sort of day by day. Maybe I should change that part of this scenario….Ok so we go out for ice cream. I don’t care, we can go out for any; I love getting ice cream. All the options are marvelous.  While getting the ice cream I want to be dance mobbed. I want it to be a really crazy intense dance that leaves you feeling like you have to watch it again, like when you watch magic tricks. It just pulls you in. So just lots of movement to get lost in and at the end I want to turn around as they play a song that basically is like marry me, i can’t live with out you. I expect this person to do some dance trickery and get down on a knee and ask me to marry them. Then and this is the best part, go to our favorite spot which is somewhere out on a hill where out in the open. This spot has flower petals and candles already set up.

My own planned dream date:

Not sure if this means I just make the rules for the day or if I take said person on this date but either way, it works. I want to go paint balling. Then afterwards I want to race go carts. Then swimming. Very simple and active. I think this would be a blast.

The dream date that would kill any other chances:

I can see us going to the planetarium and enjoying a day getting lost in the stars. I also wouldn’t be opposed to going to an aquarium and walking with the fish. Then getting a hotel room with the service for the night and spending the next day or two finding neat things about the town we are in and getting lost in a mini vacation.

My unrealistic date:

The same as every other girl. Riding horses bare backed on the beach and then camping in the sand. I feel like this is legit.

So there are those. I am not sure where to go with that. Maybe find a boy that I like to take me on dates.

Always,

Jac

Just say it

Ever have those days that when you have to interact with someone and you just want to slip in a, ‘Oh hey, just in case you don’t know, I sorta hate you.’ I can’t even begin to explain how much my blood boils when I have to talk to this person. Almost every single time I have to speak with this person I get angry. It’s a pity party because we don’t have life together and its a my life stinks but I can’t do that. You know, if you would act like an adult and do what you are supposed to do then, oh i dunno, it might benefit you more than you would think.

Let me explain the life of an average adult. You have problems that, weirdly enough, come with  life and everyone has to struggle through. Literally every person on this planet is struggling with problems. Oh your problems and worries are greater than anyone else? That is insane and one of the biggest lie I’ve ever. You have problems just like I do, just like my neighbor does, as did my great great grandmother, and the small Indonesian woman does. We may not have the same problems but there is almost guarantee that you and I are in the same stress level about what ever issue is causing pressure in each of our lives.

I let said person have a piece of my mind and said exactly what I feel about this issue. Not only is this person cause stressing in their own life but it is causing me a great deal of stress trying to deal with their incompetence that pours over into my life. Generally, I think I am a pretty nice person and try to help out as much as I can with everyone. Once you let me down so many times I stop trying to get involved in your life. That’s just all there is to it. Show me that you are committed as I am and things run steady.

All I can say is you bring this on yourself when you only worry about yourself. Help thy neighbor they say. I do until my neighbor can’t look at me or even sprinkle a little water my way. Then I move and it all gets left behind.

Always,

Jac

Rescued Animals

Is it weird that I have this fantasy future of rescuing animals? Like when they go to the pound and nobody wants them. I want to be that person that gets a call to come get them and rehabilitate them. Then we all can be happy together. Except I want them to go on to something greater. I want to give them love so they know what to expect from people then send them off for show biz. Maybe they don’t want that life style. Maybe they would be better suited working with people in hospitals. Or even maybe just going to a family that needs a good animal.

I feel like this is a silly want but I can’t help but wonder how awesome it would be to get to work with them and have them so excited to see you every day. Plus you know once they get out there and are doing their thing in the world, I still expect to get post cards from them.

“Having a great time here in Cali! Love, Dewy the Dalmation”

“Would love for you to see all that kids that I get to take care of! Love, Pete the Great Dane”

“People adore me here. I am just the absolute best! Love Fluffy the Cat”

“You won’t believe the family that I have here! We miss you! Love, Scuttles the Rabbit and Bo the Lamb”

This should be everyone’s dream. I’m just saying that it would be the best life to live.

Always,

Jac

To the boy with brown eyes

You and I are an odd pair. We have been friends for a while and sometimes it hasn’t been constant or steady. Truthfully, it hasn’t been more the lack of being together like friends do rather than talking to each other occasionally. There are the times when fate throws us back together in life and we pick up where we left off. I have been thinking a lot about you lately.

I’ve been having conflicting thoughts about liking you more than just a friend. It’s troubling me because I feel like I should know better. I should be having thoughts like this. I shouldn’t be curious what it would be like..but I am.

I remember, when I was pregnant. There hasn’t been a single man touch my stomach, not even his father. There wasn’t anyone interested in it but of course I hid myself away too. I’m not sure who I would had let get that close to me even.

I wonder if you remember.

I remember the first time you felt him kick.

You were always so excited but you had never felt him move. When we dropped you off he was moving and you placed your hand on my tummy and he kicked you.You stared at the tiny little spot where he kicked and laughed and whispered I felt him. I saw you cry for the first time. You held it together for a guy but I saw you wipe the tears away.

This single memory has stuck with me until this day. I think that was the first time that you realized he was alive and a person. I think that was, for a moment, you getting to experience love for the first time. And I got to be there with you.

I haven’t always been a good friend. I wasn’t always there when you needed someone. I shoved you away when you wanted to get close. I got you into so much trouble and I feel guilty about it every time that I think about you.

I have done so much damage that it is hard for me to understand what kind of impact I must of had on you. I’ve never apologized to you except when I ruined your most valuable possession. Then I just cried and wouldn’t let you go because I had done what you had specifically told me not to.

I carry a lot of grief thinking about you. I want to say that I cared more about you than I did me but I was selfish and didn’t give a second thought.

All the bad decisions.

All the shoving and running.

All the times I never stood up for you.

I’m sorry.

Genuinely.

You are such a gift and blessing that I don’t deserve.

Also, congratulations on this new romance. I can tell that you are genuine about it and from what I have seen she looks like she is in love. When I think about it, I actually can’t recall you being in a serious relationship except one. I am truly happy that you found someone that adores you. I hope one day I find that too.

Until we talk, thank you.

Thank you for making me feel younger than I am. For actually caring what I have to say when I speak. For still being my friend after all these embarrassing years. I hope that I have given you just as much from our friendship.

Always,

Jac

Paint

I had this dream the other night. It was the most bizarre and stressful thing that I think I have ever dreamed about. Which is really weird because the dream was about paint. Not just any paint but gray paint. The most bland paint in the world and I had a dream about it.

In this dream I am in my best friends kitchen with a woman that I don’t know and can not recognize in any part of my life. She had brunette hair that went to her shoulders and was thin and taller than me. My entire dream was in gray like the old classic television. One that you may know commonly is I love Lucy. All gray. I’m not sure how I knew she had brown hair now that I think about it.

We were sitting there and she was just screaming at me and I was in a panic. She kept screaming over and over ‘Pick the f**king color. Pick the color now!’ and this was making me stress because they were all the same color gray to me. There was probably about 50 swatches in front of me but every single one did not vary in any degree. They were just all gray.

When I would point at one and say I pick the gray one she would scream louder that it wasn’t gray and to actually pick one.

There was nothing else going on in this dream. It was just us two sitting in my best friends kitchen with color swatches in front of us. Stress and screaming.

I can’t tell you what this means or really much anything else about it but it has been stuck in my mind since I had it. I had it about two weeks ago actually. I woke up from it and was still extremely nervous that I picked the wrong one. No, I am not painting either. It was just a weird dream about paint.

Always,

Jac