Thoughtful Thursday- Light in your eyes

“I never need to see the sun again, there is enough light in your eyes to light up the whole world.”

Anyone have that one person that when you see them they just make your whole day better? It doesn’t have to be romantically. Could be a family member like a grandma or a best friend. These are the people that you need to keep in your life. The ones that makes your life light up even when you are having the worst day. I could have the worst day of my life and go to my grandmas house and it would feel like everything in the universe is fine.

Thoughtful Thursday- Love work

“Find something you love to do and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

People are so miserable working jobs that they hate because they want the money right now instead of taking their time and learning more about what they want to do. Maybe they just don’t have the will power to go after what career they want.
Getting to do what you want day in and day out would make the days fly by because you would get so consumed with what you are doing and being proud of what you are doing.

To the boy with the brown eyes

You and I are an odd pair. We have been friends for a while and sometimes it hasn’t been constant or steady. Truthfully, it hasn’t been more the lack of being together like friends do rather than talking to each other occasionally. There are the times when fate throws us back together in life and we pick up where we left off. I have been thinking a lot about you lately.
I’ve been having conflicting thoughts about liking you more than just a friend. It’s troubling me because I feel like I should know better. I should be having thoughts like this. I shouldn’t be curious what it would be like..but I am.
I remember, when I was pregnant. There hasn’t been a single man touch my stomach, not even his father. There wasn’t anyone interested in it but of course I hid myself away too. I’m not sure who I would had let get that close to me even.
I wonder if you remember.
I remember the first time you felt him kick.
You were always so excited but you had never felt him move. When we dropped you off he was moving and you placed your hand on my tummy and he kicked you.You stared at the tiny little spot where he kicked and laughed and whispered I felt him. I saw you cry for the first time. You held it together for a guy but I saw you wipe the tears away. 
This single memory has stuck with me until this day. I think that was the first time that you realized he was alive and a person. I think that was, for a moment, you getting to experience love for the first time. And I got to be there with you.
I haven’t always been a good friend. I wasn’t always there when you needed someone. I shoved you away when you wanted to get close. I got you into so much trouble and I feel guilty about it every time that I think about you.
I have done so much damage that it is hard for me to understand what kind of impact I must of had on you. I’ve never apologized to you except when I ruined your most valuable possession. Then I just cried and wouldn’t let you go because I had done what you had specifically told me not to.
I carry a lot of grief thinking about you. I want to say that I cared more about you than I did me but I was selfish and didn’t give a second thought.
All the bad decisions.
All the shoving and running.
All the times I never stood up for you.
I’m sorry.
Genuinely.
 You are such a gift and blessing that I don’t deserve.
 Also, congratulations on this new romance. I can tell that you are genuine about it and from what I have seen she looks like she is in love. When I think about it, I actually can’t recall you being in a serious relationship except one. I am truly happy that you found someone that adores you. I hope one day I find that too.

Until we talk, thank you.
Thank you for making me feel younger than I am. For actually caring what I have to say when I speak. For still being my friend after all these embarrassing years. I hope that I have given you just as much from our friendship.

Dream Date

Can we all agree that each of us has a specific dream date that we want to go on?
Some of us want something a little more and some of us want a little less. I think for me it really depends.
I depends on the person. It depends on how long we have been together or if it is the first date. It also depends on if this is the date that could possibly bring a proposal about. It depends on if I get to plan it or if it is just that one date that I think would put the rest to shame. I have different scenarios in my head for all of these.
So just to put it out there for every one and when the time comes see if it changes for me.

So for my first date and lets pretend that it is a blind date:
 I would like it to be pretty easy flowing. I would like to go get a light meal then go and walk around to talk. We could go hiking, we could walk downtown, we could do some trails. Any thing to just get us out and away from distractions. I think that would be a nice dream blind date.

For my long term dream date:
I would love for it to be sort of like an anniversary date. So something that I would have minimal details to, probably in the fall. By this point in the relationship they should already know that fall is my favorite season. So we would go to a corn maze and then a haunted house and to end the night, this person would drive out and find a dark place so that we can lay beneath the stars and cuddle in blankets. To me that is all that needs to be done. Just time spent together with small gestures that you still know what they like and still just want to be with them. That would be the best date.

My dreamposal date:
This one surprisingly I would imagine to be in the summer. I want to go out to my favorite restaurant which I never really know what it is or which one. I am so picky that I get the same thing every time from each restaurant. So eating out is sort of day by day. Maybe I should change that part of this scenario….Ok so we go out for ice cream. I don’t care, we can go out for any; I love getting ice cream. All the options are marvelous.  While getting the ice cream I want to be dance mobbed. I want it to be a really crazy intense dance that leaves you feeling like you have to watch it again, like when you watch magic tricks. It just pulls you in. So just lots of movement to get lost in and at the end I want to turn around as they play a song that basically is like marry me, i can’t live with out you. I expect this person to do some dance trickery and get down on a knee and ask me to marry them. Then and this is the best part, go to our favorite spot which is somewhere out on a hill where out in the open. This spot has flower petals and candles already set up.

My own planned dream date:
Not sure if this means I just make the rules for the day or if I take said person on this date but either way, it works. I want to go paint balling. Then afterwards I want to race go carts. Then swimming. Very simple and active. I think this would be a blast.

The dream date that would kill any other chances:
 I can see us going to the planetarium and enjoying a day getting lost in the stars. I also wouldn’t be opposed to going to an aquarium and walking with the fish. Then getting a hotel room with the service for the night and spending the next day or two finding neat things about the town we are in and getting lost in a mini vacation.

My unrealistic date:
The same as every other girl. Riding horses bare backed on the beach and then camping in the sand. I feel like this is legit.

So there are those. I am not sure where to go with that. Maybe find a boy that I like to take me on dates.
Always,
Jac

Dear Love

Love,
How did we make it here? There have been hurdles and valleys just to make it this far and we finally made it. We made it to each other. I’m glad that we never gave up and we continued to search for one another. It has been a long and some parts have been so grim.
There have been so many parts of my life where I have felt the need to just give up and drop the fairy tale love story. Time and time again I have tried to narrow down what I want and what I can even learn to accept. Each time has fallen through and given me doubt.
I have had doubt that I am not the right body shape and that I need to change it to make myself more appealing even though I feel comfortable as I am. I have had doubt that I am not beautiful enough and that if I just make the commitment to wake up every day and put on make up, I would be worthy of someone to look twice at me. I have doubted my personality and that if I kept to myself that I wouldn’t make any one want to run from me because I’m “weird”. I love being weird and different but not every one does. I have doubted that my work ethic draws anyone in because I want to do things my way and not by the flow of standard life.
I have doubted all self worthiness because I haven’t found any one to stand by my side and be completely infatuated by me and me alone. To admire who I am as a woman and to crave every little thing that I have to give. To yearn for me just to be in their presence.
That was until you came along.
You have given me a new outlook on love. You have shown me that the fairy tales that I have loved and believed in for years are real because we are right here living them every second. You have reminded me that kisses on the forehead are one of the most passionate, sought after desires because you put all of you and your love behind that kiss. You have shown me that I have dreams that can be pursued and achieved because you stood there beside me, always. Even during the late night when I come apart and let all my fears sweep in and consume me, you are there fighting them away with your strong words and gentle heart.
You protect me from every thing that comes my way, refusing to let even the most vulgar words harm me.  You give me guidance when I struggle to find the correct path to get where I want to be. You give me security just by being by my side.
Your love protects me every day. It is your greatest strength and from such an amazing gift it helps me give so much more of my self.
Maybe I didn’t know you at all from the beginning, maybe I’ve known you for years. None of that matters because I have you now and I know you now more than ever and I continue to discover new parts for me to love. There are new parts that I admire every day and there are parts that I am learning to love carefully.
Thank you for loving the parts that others felt were not worthy to love. Thank you for standing beside me in all circumstances. Thank you for being you.
I love you to the stars and moon. I love you forever. I love you beyond. I love you until after.

Always,
Jac

(In case any one is wondering this is just a letter to a future significant. No there is not one now and I can probably guess that there isn’t going to be one for a little while. I know you can’t tell but I am pretty picky. I still can hope though!)

Rescued Animals

Is it weird that I have this fantasy future of rescuing animals? Like when they go to the pound and nobody wants them. I want to be that person that gets a call to come get them and rehabilitate them. Then we all can be happy together. Except I want them to go on to something greater. I want to give them love so they know what to expect from people then send them off for show biz. Maybe they don’t want that life style. Maybe they would be better suited working with people in hospitals. Or even maybe just going to a family that needs a good animal.
I feel like this is a silly want but I can’t help but wonder how awesome it would be to get to work with them and have them so excited to see you every day. Plus you know once they get out there and are doing their thing in the world, I still expect to get post cards from them.
“Having a great time here in Cali! Love, Dewy the Dalmation”
“Would love for you to see all that kids that I get to take care of! Love, Pete the Great Dane”
“People adore me here. I am just the absolute best! Love Fluffy the Cat”
“You won’t believe the family that I have here! We miss you! Love, Scuttles the Rabbit and Bo the Lamb”

This should be everyone’s dream. I’m just saying that it would be the best life to live. 

Talking out loud

I need a moment to step back and think for a second.

There are moments in your life where you react to something and as you get older, you think back of how you reacted and how it affected where you are. You know, man if I didn’t sneak out when I was 15 then I wouldn’t of had the most embarrassing, verbal beat down, from my mom in public. This literally happened to me. I went to Wal-Mart (of all places) and I got caught. She walked beside me screaming all the way out with people stopping to watch my verbal beat down. I began to walk home with her driving beside me still screaming until I gave in and got in the car. This story still makes me cringe every time that it is brought up. I’ve blocked it from my memory because it is so excruciating for me to live through that much.
On the other hand, I question if my mom and I would be quite as open as we are with each other. There isn’t much that I don’t keep from her. I may delay telling her until after I’ve done it. I mean, come on, if I told my mom I was going on a date or out to me some guy for the first time; She would have me so embarrassed and flustered I wouldn’t know how to act. Yes, sadly after all this time, my mom can still embarrass me. It takes much more work than earlier in my life but she still can get me. I can see me going up to the guy and saying something like my mom said to bring some lube cause we should have fun. Just face palm, the filter didn’t pick it up and block it.
My filter really doesn’t work to begin with but I can see this going down in flames a lot faster than a pretend scenario in my head. Some things are just better left unsaid. Some things just need to wait.

So, my life is alright right now. Not terrible, it can always get better. That’s just part of life. I met a  guy. He’s pretty funny, chill, seems like a genuine person-which is good. We haven’t been on a date or anything cause hashtag mom life. I’m super busy with me and my kiddo. That’s cool too, he acts like he’s pretty patient.
I’m just going to talk out loud here, complain a tad. I feel like our conversations are going good and, to me, he just sorta hints-like I’m not even sure if I can describe it right-I guess, like he gets off on himself. Like when all you can say that you like about me is that I have a good sense of humor, I just feel like I really have lost it at this point and have nothing to offer you but a sincere friendship. Great, I am a funny person. You should know me better by this point and think that there is more to me than that.
You know that Toby Keith song, I wanna talk about me? If you don’t, let me break it down for you. It’s probably the best way to tell someone to stfu. Don’t get me wrong, he knows the hard cover of me kinda; What he has skimmed over is the basis of me. He knows I have a deep love for Star Wars and more specifically centered towards Anakin/Vader. I like to play board games and card games. I’m an early bird. I have food allergies. Plus a couple other really random things like I tear my sandwiches up into fourths and I am a super picky eater that eats bizarre foods and my favorite mythical creature. Just really surface level things about me that make no difference and can change in a second. Ok, you’re right, the food allergy isn’t going to change in a second but I am taking shots for them. That’s beside the point of this right now.
He has only made one push to talk about me and i replied back that he knew everything. He knows that’s not true, I know that’s not true, even you know that’s not true. He just let it drop and we talked about him more. Maybe I am being over dramatic, probably am without a doubt, but this isn’t a game we play like hopscotch, just jumping from one person to another until we’re tired. I don’t want to make a game out of it. I’d just rather not.
I’m can’t help it. If I don’t feel like you are interested then I am not going to put forth much of an effort. Now let me get to the part that really gets under my skin. He has this tendency to say things dismissively and if it is upsetting to me then no, it was not intended in that purpose. I got upset that he got dismissive with me and he played it off like I misunderstood him. So I told him no I was really angry and he said that he was agreeing with what I had said in the conversation so I got dismissive with him and his come back to me was you always get grumpy pants this easy?
To me, in my complete opinion, I read- wow way to turn into a bitch fast. Just my opinion; He could had entirely been a man in his 30’s asking me in a baby voice whos getting grumpy pants? yes, you is. yes you is. You just never know via texting. Tone is hard to decipher when you don’t know someone well and occasionally if you do. I can’t see your face or hear your voice, I’m only reading what you put out for me.
I’m just thinking this dating thing is too hard and absolutely not for me in any way, shape or form. I don’t have time to put into trying to get someone interested in me. Frankly, I just don’t care enough if I haven’t grabbed your attention enough. I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m a hidden romantic and what I mean by this is I want to be swept off me feet and have a happily ever after but I don’t know if love actually exists or if it is a story.
How are you supposed to know when you find your soul mate? You just don’t know. There isn’t a great sign sent to us. Little fairies jumping up and down screaming this is the one! this is the one! in their squeaky little chipmunk voices only you can hear and fireworks shooting off behind the person. I feel like that would be super handy though. Someone should invent this.
When I see a guy start going in slow motion and he instantly falls in love with me and he truly can not live his life without me and just knowing my kid makes his life better; then I will believe that love exists in the real world. I don’t want to make the effort for once. I want someone to want me to where their effort extends all around me. I don’t even think that I could describe what I want because it doesn’t exist.
I do think that love is evident in the world, maybe I should elaborate on this more. There is Maternal and Paternal love. That is the strongest love present. Parents fight other parents trying to protect their children, even if their child was in the wrong. The love that parents have is eternal and I know parents that celebrate their children that, sadly, didn’t make it too long in the world. They grieved and now they have a celebration on birthdays and anniversaries thanking and praising for the time that they did get to know the sweet little one, even if it was cut short. Then I think there is platonic love which is the most common love out there. Something that you share with everyone; Friends, family, basically the people that you would put your life down for. I’m not sure that there is romantic love but merely lust. A desire for someone sexually and we aren’t getting into that.
Now, in Cuento De Jac, I want to say that my prince charming is tall with brown hair and brown eyes buttt as I’ve gotten older I have to say my taste is changing slightly. Principe De Jac is still tall but with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. He has some stubble cause he was busy saving the world and a hero doesn’t have a lot of time to shave. He has very large hands that easily hold mine. He smells like the wind on a warm day from being atop the back of his trusty steed. He’s very smart because I need someone who challenges me mentally but he’s charming and lets me win everything because I’m me and that makes him happy. Obviously he is very funny because I write stories about him and he just smiles and says that’s totally me babe.
So in reality, I have seen one, maybe two, guys that look like this. One being Nyle Dimarco (sweet baby..even if you know what he looks like, take this time to google and appreciate.)  and the other I know fairly well and I am not dropping any names. If you know, you know; If you don’t, sorry about it. Obviously, neither are compatible for me. I’m happy with my fairy tale world and being in here with what I actually want versus not.
[Disclaimer: that I have no idea what Nyle smells like, the actually size of his hands or his personality. I will also disclaim that I will not bring up the other person in question of Cuento De Jac in any type of description further than what has been said. No you don’t need to know his hand size cause I actually don’t know that and no you also don’t need to know what his personality is like because reasons. Thank you for you time.]

I guess until we have a way to make fairy tales real, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing; waiting and making him more unrealistic in the world we live in today. I’m in no hurry and I’m pretty creative. Just so you know, dream man, I won’t let you down. I ‘ll keep sticking up for myself until your here to do it for me. Fingers crossed-We meet soon.
Always,
Jac