I need a moment to step back and think for a second.
There are moments in your life where you react to something and as you get older, you think back of how you reacted and how it affected where you are. You know, man if I didn’t sneak out when I was 15 then I wouldn’t of had the most embarrassing, verbal beat down, from my mom in public. This literally happened to me. I went to Wal-Mart (of all places) and I got caught. She walked beside me screaming all the way out with people stopping to watch my verbal beat down. I began to walk home with her driving beside me still screaming until I gave in and got in the car. This story still makes me cringe every time that it is brought up. I’ve blocked it from my memory because it is so excruciating for me to live through that much.
On the other hand, I question if my mom and I would be quite as open as we are with each other. There isn’t much that I don’t keep from her. I may delay telling her until after I’ve done it. I mean, come on, if I told my mom I was going on a date or out to me some guy for the first time; She would have me so embarrassed and flustered I wouldn’t know how to act. Yes, sadly after all this time, my mom can still embarrass me. It takes much more work than earlier in my life but she still can get me. I can see me going up to the guy and saying something like my mom said to bring some lube cause we should have fun. Just face palm, the filter didn’t pick it up and block it.
My filter really doesn’t work to begin with but I can see this going down in flames a lot faster than a pretend scenario in my head. Some things are just better left unsaid. Some things just need to wait.
So, my life is alright right now. Not terrible, it can always get better. That’s just part of life. I met a guy. He’s pretty funny, chill, seems like a genuine person-which is good. We haven’t been on a date or anything cause hashtag mom life. I’m super busy with me and my kiddo. That’s cool too, he acts like he’s pretty patient.
I’m just going to talk out loud here, complain a tad. I feel like our conversations are going good and, to me, he just sorta hints-like I’m not even sure if I can describe it right-I guess, like he gets off on himself. Like when all you can say that you like about me is that I have a good sense of humor, I just feel like I really have lost it at this point and have nothing to offer you but a sincere friendship. Great, I am a funny person. You should know me better by this point and think that there is more to me than that.
You know that Toby Keith song, I wanna talk about me? If you don’t, let me break it down for you. It’s probably the best way to tell someone to stfu. Don’t get me wrong, he knows the hard cover of me kinda; What he has skimmed over is the basis of me. He knows I have a deep love for Star Wars and more specifically centered towards Anakin/Vader. I like to play board games and card games. I’m an early bird. I have food allergies. Plus a couple other really random things like I tear my sandwiches up into fourths and I am a super picky eater that eats bizarre foods and my favorite mythical creature. Just really surface level things about me that make no difference and can change in a second. Ok, you’re right, the food allergy isn’t going to change in a second but I am taking shots for them. That’s beside the point of this right now.
He has only made one push to talk about me and i replied back that he knew everything. He knows that’s not true, I know that’s not true, even you know that’s not true. He just let it drop and we talked about him more. Maybe I am being over dramatic, probably am without a doubt, but this isn’t a game we play like hopscotch, just jumping from one person to another until we’re tired. I don’t want to make a game out of it. I’d just rather not.
I’m can’t help it. If I don’t feel like you are interested then I am not going to put forth much of an effort. Now let me get to the part that really gets under my skin. He has this tendency to say things dismissively and if it is upsetting to me then no, it was not intended in that purpose. I got upset that he got dismissive with me and he played it off like I misunderstood him. So I told him no I was really angry and he said that he was agreeing with what I had said in the conversation so I got dismissive with him and his come back to me was you always get grumpy pants this easy?
To me, in my complete opinion, I read- wow way to turn into a bitch fast. Just my opinion; He could had entirely been a man in his 30’s asking me in a baby voice whos getting grumpy pants? yes, you is. yes you is. You just never know via texting. Tone is hard to decipher when you don’t know someone well and occasionally if you do. I can’t see your face or hear your voice, I’m only reading what you put out for me.
I’m just thinking this dating thing is too hard and absolutely not for me in any way, shape or form. I don’t have time to put into trying to get someone interested in me. Frankly, I just don’t care enough if I haven’t grabbed your attention enough. I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m a hidden romantic and what I mean by this is I want to be swept off me feet and have a happily ever after but I don’t know if love actually exists or if it is a story.
How are you supposed to know when you find your soul mate? You just don’t know. There isn’t a great sign sent to us. Little fairies jumping up and down screaming this is the one! this is the one! in their squeaky little chipmunk voices only you can hear and fireworks shooting off behind the person. I feel like that would be super handy though. Someone should invent this.
When I see a guy start going in slow motion and he instantly falls in love with me and he truly can not live his life without me and just knowing my kid makes his life better; then I will believe that love exists in the real world. I don’t want to make the effort for once. I want someone to want me to where their effort extends all around me. I don’t even think that I could describe what I want because it doesn’t exist.
I do think that love is evident in the world, maybe I should elaborate on this more. There is Maternal and Paternal love. That is the strongest love present. Parents fight other parents trying to protect their children, even if their child was in the wrong. The love that parents have is eternal and I know parents that celebrate their children that, sadly, didn’t make it too long in the world. They grieved and now they have a celebration on birthdays and anniversaries thanking and praising for the time that they did get to know the sweet little one, even if it was cut short. Then I think there is platonic love which is the most common love out there. Something that you share with everyone; Friends, family, basically the people that you would put your life down for. I’m not sure that there is romantic love but merely lust. A desire for someone sexually and we aren’t getting into that.
Now, in Cuento De Jac, I want to say that my prince charming is tall with brown hair and brown eyes buttt as I’ve gotten older I have to say my taste is changing slightly. Principe De Jac is still tall but with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. He has some stubble cause he was busy saving the world and a hero doesn’t have a lot of time to shave. He has very large hands that easily hold mine. He smells like the wind on a warm day from being atop the back of his trusty steed. He’s very smart because I need someone who challenges me mentally but he’s charming and lets me win everything because I’m me and that makes him happy. Obviously he is very funny because I write stories about him and he just smiles and says that’s totally me babe.
So in reality, I have seen one, maybe two, guys that look like this. One being Nyle Dimarco (sweet baby..even if you know what he looks like, take this time to google and appreciate.) and the other I know fairly well and I am not dropping any names. If you know, you know; If you don’t, sorry about it. Obviously, neither are compatible for me. I’m happy with my fairy tale world and being in here with what I actually want versus not.
[Disclaimer: that I have no idea what Nyle smells like, the actually size of his hands or his personality. I will also disclaim that I will not bring up the other person in question of Cuento De Jac in any type of description further than what has been said. No you don’t need to know his hand size cause I actually don’t know that and no you also don’t need to know what his personality is like because reasons. Thank you for you time.]
I guess until we have a way to make fairy tales real, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing; waiting and making him more unrealistic in the world we live in today. I’m in no hurry and I’m pretty creative. Just so you know, dream man, I won’t let you down. I ‘ll keep sticking up for myself until your here to do it for me. Fingers crossed-We meet soon.