To the boy with brown eyes

You and I are an odd pair. We have been friends for a while and sometimes it hasn’t been constant or steady. Truthfully, it hasn’t been more the lack of being together like friends do rather than talking to each other occasionally. There are the times when fate throws us back together in life and we pick up where we left off. I have been thinking a lot about you lately.

I’ve been having conflicting thoughts about liking you more than just a friend. It’s troubling me because I feel like I should know better. I should be having thoughts like this. I shouldn’t be curious what it would be like..but I am.

I remember, when I was pregnant. There hasn’t been a single man touch my stomach, not even his father. There wasn’t anyone interested in it but of course I hid myself away too. I’m not sure who I would had let get that close to me even.

I wonder if you remember.

I remember the first time you felt him kick.

You were always so excited but you had never felt him move. When we dropped you off he was moving and you placed your hand on my tummy and he kicked you.You stared at the tiny little spot where he kicked and laughed and whispered I felt him. I saw you cry for the first time. You held it together for a guy but I saw you wipe the tears away.

This single memory has stuck with me until this day. I think that was the first time that you realized he was alive and a person. I think that was, for a moment, you getting to experience love for the first time. And I got to be there with you.

I haven’t always been a good friend. I wasn’t always there when you needed someone. I shoved you away when you wanted to get close. I got you into so much trouble and I feel guilty about it every time that I think about you.

I have done so much damage that it is hard for me to understand what kind of impact I must of had on you. I’ve never apologized to you except when I ruined your most valuable possession. Then I just cried and wouldn’t let you go because I had done what you had specifically told me not to.

I carry a lot of grief thinking about you. I want to say that I cared more about you than I did me but I was selfish and didn’t give a second thought.

All the bad decisions.

All the shoving and running.

All the times I never stood up for you.

I’m sorry.

Genuinely.

You are such a gift and blessing that I don’t deserve.

Also, congratulations on this new romance. I can tell that you are genuine about it and from what I have seen she looks like she is in love. When I think about it, I actually can’t recall you being in a serious relationship except one. I am truly happy that you found someone that adores you. I hope one day I find that too.

Until we talk, thank you.

Thank you for making me feel younger than I am. For actually caring what I have to say when I speak. For still being my friend after all these embarrassing years. I hope that I have given you just as much from our friendship.

Always,

Jac

To the boy with the brown eyes

You and I are an odd pair. We have been friends for a while and sometimes it hasn’t been constant or steady. Truthfully, it hasn’t been more the lack of being together like friends do rather than talking to each other occasionally. There are the times when fate throws us back together in life and we pick up where we left off. I have been thinking a lot about you lately.
I’ve been having conflicting thoughts about liking you more than just a friend. It’s troubling me because I feel like I should know better. I should be having thoughts like this. I shouldn’t be curious what it would be like..but I am.
I remember, when I was pregnant. There hasn’t been a single man touch my stomach, not even his father. There wasn’t anyone interested in it but of course I hid myself away too. I’m not sure who I would had let get that close to me even.
I wonder if you remember.
I remember the first time you felt him kick.
You were always so excited but you had never felt him move. When we dropped you off he was moving and you placed your hand on my tummy and he kicked you.You stared at the tiny little spot where he kicked and laughed and whispered I felt him. I saw you cry for the first time. You held it together for a guy but I saw you wipe the tears away. 
This single memory has stuck with me until this day. I think that was the first time that you realized he was alive and a person. I think that was, for a moment, you getting to experience love for the first time. And I got to be there with you.
I haven’t always been a good friend. I wasn’t always there when you needed someone. I shoved you away when you wanted to get close. I got you into so much trouble and I feel guilty about it every time that I think about you.
I have done so much damage that it is hard for me to understand what kind of impact I must of had on you. I’ve never apologized to you except when I ruined your most valuable possession. Then I just cried and wouldn’t let you go because I had done what you had specifically told me not to.
I carry a lot of grief thinking about you. I want to say that I cared more about you than I did me but I was selfish and didn’t give a second thought.
All the bad decisions.
All the shoving and running.
All the times I never stood up for you.
I’m sorry.
Genuinely.
 You are such a gift and blessing that I don’t deserve.
 Also, congratulations on this new romance. I can tell that you are genuine about it and from what I have seen she looks like she is in love. When I think about it, I actually can’t recall you being in a serious relationship except one. I am truly happy that you found someone that adores you. I hope one day I find that too.

Until we talk, thank you.
Thank you for making me feel younger than I am. For actually caring what I have to say when I speak. For still being my friend after all these embarrassing years. I hope that I have given you just as much from our friendship.