No one can hear you

My fingers tips run over the fragments of red paint still clinging to the railing. Chips flutter to the ground after my hands gently run over it. It feels like all the heat is being pulled from my hand, lingering where I had once traced, begging for me to come back.

Darkness surrounding everything except for one spot light across from me. Rain falls lightly in the distant street lamp like the first soft snow of the year. Silence is as vast as the darkness.

There is nothing here but you and me.

Your eyes like deep oceans being twisted by hurricanes; Turbulent and unforgiving. My soul aches to dive in and find the survivor somewhere within that has given up on hope. I scream out for you but there no response. 

Tempestuous heart jumps.

Take a deep breath and go under. I hold on to everything around me for safety, there is no one to rescue me when I get lost. Where are you?

Purge the mind

I’m feeling some things today. The past couple of days I have just been so down on myself and not even for a good reason. It has made me want to give up on myself though.
I didn’t have my kid on Saturday and I was like yes, this is great. I can go on a date and just relax. So I was going to meet up with one guy and everything was fine and going well all day then he decided that he couldn’t meet with me that night. So that bummed me out but I was like I’ll just meet up with this other guy that I’ve known forever. Yeah no, he told me at 2 am that he couldn’t hang out. Which ok, I was tired at that time cause I’m old but jeez you would think that he would had said something sooner. That just got me down like not only was I able to strike out one but twice in the same day.
I just got in my head that night thinking about how I can’t even get a dude to hang out with me. I just want someone to sit with me and tell me that I am pretty. We don’t have to talk, we don’t have to do anything, Truthfully I don’t care what they go and do afterwards. I just want someone to give me just a little attention and then I will be happy. I don’t need to see you every day just once in a blue moon. I’m such an easy person to please and yet here I am.
Ugh. Why would any one ever want to date? This is terrible. Haha I want someone that I can call up when I am lonely; Am I terrible?
I know that this is just me being stuck in my head but I am really having a power struggle over what is happening. Maybe I just need to purge myself from the internet and social media for a few weeks and let myself regain control over who I am and where I am at emotionally. Just purge the wants out of my mind.